I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
