Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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