I think I won the penis lottery.
where am i from again
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
