Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
