This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
