Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
