Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
