Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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