I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
