Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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