I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
