I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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