My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
