He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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