She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
