You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
