it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
