u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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