Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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