I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
