that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
