The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
