grandma shit on top of the toilet
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
i now understand why vodka
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
