First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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