____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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