If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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