so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He shit in the fireplace
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
