I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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