been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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