You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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