This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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