My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
