also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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