WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
