I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
