My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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