I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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