it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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