I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
