yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
