Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
