1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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