Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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