I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
