I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
There r osticjed everywhere
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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