Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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