Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
