The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
