We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
