I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
