I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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