So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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