I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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